Our topic for today is Rudiments of Courtship. You need to know that every individual, family, and situation is unique. The same way, every courtship is unique. There are no two situations that look exactly the same due to various reasons which could range from background, individual differences, and personalities that are involved. Though, we can see similar situations or courtship, none is a duplicate of the other. What worked well for one couple might not work so well for another🤷🏽‍♀️. However, there are some principles that work for everyone in spite of the differences. Those principles serve as an almighty formula that always works when properly applied to relationships. Let’s visit the foundation because if the foundation be destroyed, what shall the righteous do🤷🏽‍♀️. Many unpalatable situations we see in relationships today could be traced to a faulty foundation. Many do not even understand what they are into, and when the purpose of a thing is not known, abuse they say is inevitable🙇🏽‍♀️. Let’s start by re-defining courtship🌚.

You need to know that it is not all relationships between a man and a lady that are courtship. Just thinking it is courtship does not make it one🌚. Courtship is the relationship between a man and a woman with marriage in view. It involves a man and a woman going out together as an intending couple with a stated or an understood goal of marriage with the leading of the Holy Spirit. Did you notice the sentence, Marriage in view and the leading of the Holy Spirit? There is no Christian courtship without the leading of the Holy Spirit. It is His leading that makes a Christian courtship and not the fact that both individuals go to church or are from a pastor’s family🤷🏽‍♀️.

1. Christian courtship is a courtship that has the Holy Spirit as its foundation.

It comprises the Holy Spirit and two mature individuals who have yielded their entirety to the Holy Spirit. The Scripture says those who are led by the Spirit of God are the sons of God. For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God. Romans.

Another important aspect of the definition is that marriage must be in view. Courtship is not for people who just want to indulge in each other’s emotions but for people who know what they are signing up for. If you do not have marriage in mind or you do not see yourself getting married anytime soon, and especially with that person, then you have no business being in a courtship. You should rather work on your business, career, academics, and other areas while you gain momentum for marriage. When I say marriage in view, I am not talking about some emotional ecstasy or butterfly that is moving in your tummy that makes you feel you could get married soon even though both or none of you is mature career-wise.

2. Dating is not God’s route to courtship or marriage.

   Some try to argue that the reason they go into a dating relationship is so they can get a better view of the person they are planning to be committed to later on so that they will be sure that is the right person for them. It is more like a trial and error. The Bible says that as the heaven is far above your head so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. He also says that He has His own standard, process, and methodology which stands sure.

3. MY HEART DESIRES VS. GOD’S WILL.

   You need to know that God’s will is not a person; God’s will is a concept. If you do not want to miss out on God’s will, you have to learn how not to lean not on your own understanding and trust in God absolutely. It is the heart of God that you should search out because His secret is with those that fear Him – Psalms 25:14. The Bible clearly says that the heart of man is desperately wicked; you can’t know it! You are going to fail trying to discern a fellow man with your own reasoning. You can’t know it by staying with them for a long period; you can’t know it by hanging around them. Rather, except God shows it to you, you can’t even imagine it. You can’t get it by studying them. It is God who will reveal the right person to you. To have an issue following God’s leading is simply saying to God: can I really trust you? The heart [is] deceitful above all [things;] and desperately wicked: who can know it? Jeremiah 17:9. If you need anything to assure you that God is dependable, remember His word.

4. How should a Courtship start?

   Prior to that point of acceptance, there is no courtship. Courtship hasn’t started until a brother proposes and a sister has accepted. You have to confirm your convictions with trusted people who are not emotionally involved as you are because what you are about to get into is quite emotional and you could be manipulated. Brothers, when God has spoken to you and you have confirmed what God has said from the mouth of two or three witnesses and you are ready to do God’s will, then you should open your mouth and speak. Don’t approach someone if you haven’t settled down with the fact that you are spending the rest of your lives together; don’t go to meet them and tell them you are only meeting them because God says so. That is why you need another person to confirm with you. Whatever it is that you have with God, settle it with Him and don’t bring a lady into your indecision. Don’t bring her onboard and subject her to statements such as: “I just want to manage you or I am only managing you.” When you are done with your convictions, do not send signals to her. Open your mouth and talk. Don’t just go around her and be perambulating for years thinking she will figure it all out. If you do this, you will be heartbroken. If the lady is serious with her life and has other proposals, she will pray about them and be gone. Open your mouth and talk. A closed mouth is a closed destiny. Ladies, when a brother has opened up his mind to you through conversation, and you are convinced of going with him in this lifetime journey, you have prayed and you are convinced you’re going to spend the rest of your life together. After fulfilling all righteousness by patiently consulting with people concerned around you, open your mouth and acknowledge that you have accepted his proposal. Make sure you speak affirmative words. Say the word: Yes, I will marry you in very clear terms. Do not say let’s go on and see how things would turn out. If you say that, then you are a deceiver and that guy should probably watch out for you. It’s most likely that you intend to put him on hold while you eye other men. Respond with the mind of being led by God and not that of uncertainty. Any relationship you can’t trace how it started is not right. “One thing led to the other” kind of relationship is a no-do🙇🏽‍♀️. If your relationship came about because “one thing led to the other” and you fell in love along the way, it is a failure and disappointment in disguise. If you can’t lay your hand on any mutual agreement between you two as the foundation of your relationship with God’s backing, it will end up in regret. Nothing was defined in the relationship so, anyone can opt out at any time.

5. Duration of Courtship.

   Even if an individual is pretending, they can’t do it for long. A short courtship might have worked for some people as exceptions, but it does not mean it is right or that it will work for you. Regardless, it is a big-time risk. If 100 people enter into a marriage with a short courtship, only 5 of them may likely succeed, and the rest 95 will fail woefully. Those 5 succeeding still do not make it right. Anything less than 1 year is too short and you have just succeeded in preparing for a ceremony alone and not marriage. From experience also, anything longer than 3 years is too long as it gives a breeding space for fornication.

You want to know more? Get my book, Principles of Courtship